The Constitution of the United States contains no provision for its arbitrary modification. Fortunately, however, the Framers, apparently recognizing the value of a little interpretive latitude, inserted occasional language allowing for the exercise of broad license now and then. Specifically, for example, the Fourth Amendment guarantees our right to be secure against search, but only unreasonable search. In qualifying search as unreasonable, however, the Constitution provides for liberal interpretation. The Framers would agree, I guess, that whether a search is reasonable is a question best decided by the President or by the Attorney General.
The Separation of Powers has been interpreted, an interpretation recently upheld by the Fourth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, as meaning that our Constitutional protections are only sacred to a point. That juncture, in this case, is when the application of those Constitutional protections handicaps the President in exercising his inclination to act as judge and jury and to declare American citizens, arrested on American soil, enemy combatants, unworthy of constitutional protections, who can be held indefinitely without being charged and whose access, even supervised, to an attorney or to his or her own family would jeopardize national security.
– Phil Crossman, Vinalhaven
Whereas these islands and the inhabitants thereof are the first line of defense (if the enemy is an Arab, for example, and is approaching from the East), those seeking passage thereto will be subject to the rules and regulations published in TERRORISTS ARE ALL FROM AWAY, SO PEOPLE FROM AWAY ARE ALL SUSPECT, a publication of the newly formed Department of Mainland Security. This informative pamphlet is available from any ticket agent for $50. Please buy the pamphlet and take the time to read it carefully. Give yourself plenty of time. The Paperwork Reduction Act requires you be notified that it is expected to take three days to read and absorb the whole thing. A synopsis of its major provisions follows.
GENERAL:
1) People from Away will no longer be allowed on the ferry. People from Really Far Away, and recognizable by the presence of turbans, burkas, olives, lambs, date fronds, filterless cigarettes, facial stubble, or the Koran will be taken into custody and dispatched, as enemy combatants, to Matinicus where they will be denied, in perpetuity, access, even supervised access, to legal representation or to family. Likewise anyone in the vicinity during the aforementioned apprehension, and inadvertently swept up in the process, will be similarly declared an enemy combatant, just in case. In either event the taxpayers will be spared the expense of proving otherwise.
2) Other preventive measures put in place include closed circuit television monitoring devices, both sound and audio, throughout the aptly named “terminal premises.” The activities of everyone, including those in the “terminal restrooms,” will be broadcast live to the large monitor in the “terminal waiting room.” Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures.
3) The Mainland Security Force, comprised of employees of the Maine State Ferry Service (MSFS) and re-enforced by deputies from the Knox County Sheriff’s Department, have been and continue to be thoroughly trained and will facilitate the imposition of security measures commensurate with levels of security threats imposed, from time to time, by the Attorney General or the Secretary of Homeland Security, the Chief of Mainland Security (whose identity and location are undisclosed and whose telephone number is unlisted) or the Manager of the Maine State Ferry Service, according to the following color coded levels of threat:
CODE and RESPONDENT
Blush = Knox County Detective
Mauve = Ticket Agents
Taupe = Line Attendants
Buff = Able-Bodied Seamen and Sheriff’s Deputies
Aquamarine = Captains
Drab = The Sheriff
4) The aforementioned training is, as has been explained, ongoing. As a result unannounced drills will take place from time to time. If, while you are here at the terminal going about your business or waiting, as instructed, in your vehicle, for instructions, a drill commences, it would be helpful if you would assume the role of an Arab posing a threat or, if you are a family or group, the role of a bunch of Arabs posing a threat. Your cooperation will enhance the reality of the exercise and the result, your own consequent condition notwithstanding, will be a better prepared Mainland Security Force, greater protection for us all and a coupon redeemable by survivors for a few moments of un-recorded privacy in the “terminal restroom.”
5) Certain of the newly instituted security measures, such as the grenade launcher carried by the line attendant, will be obvious to you. The behavior of MSFS employees on other occasions, while thought provoking, may or may not be a component of a security measure. It is best to assume the former and not to report a MSFS employee or someone you assume is an MSFS employee, regardless of his or her behavior. You may have simply witnessed an undisclosed security measure or covert action authorized surreptitiously by the Department of Mainland Security.
6) Above all, report anyone you feel is acting suspiciously or otherwise represents a threat to you or to others. Those people, even if they appear to be doing nothing more than simply occupying a vehicle ahead of you in line, the removal of which will increase your own chances of getting on the boat, will be apprehended by the Mainland Security Force and taken to an undisclosed location.
VEHICLES:
1) Vehicles seeking passage to Vinalhaven must be in the Vinalhaven Line. Vehicles bound for Vinalhaven that are found, mistakenly or otherwise, to be in the North Haven Line will be sent to North Haven without recourse.
2) The drivers and all occupants of vehicles in the North Haven line are assumed to be family of or acquaintances of or attorneys for the community of enemy combatants who comprise the North Haven community. All, once they step ashore on North Haven, are consigned to the island in perpetuity as enemy combatants and can only be released if a family member or attorney agrees to assume responsibility for them.
3) Family members and attorneys of and for enemy combatants will be assumed to be enemy combatants and none from the original group of enemy combatants is allowed contact of any kind with the second group of enemy combatants and the reverse is also true.
4) “Line cars” and the cars for which they are “holding a place” must be driven simultaneously by the same individual who may not exit either vehicle at any time for any reason.
5) No individual will be allowed to drive a vehicle onto the ferry or to drive on terminal property or in the vicinity unless they have undergone a strip search by the line attendant.
6) Strip searches will be conducted by the line attendant on the stage at the Taxi Stand, hereafter designated as the Reviewing Stand, one hour before each departure unless the line attendant is, at the designated moment, shooting those who exited their vehicle without permission. In such an event, a Knox County Deputy, hereinafter referred to as the Line Attendant’s Deputy, may conduct the strip search.
7) Strip searches are open to the public. Tickets may be purchased from the ticket agent and are non-refundable so be advised to review carefully the list of folks scheduled to be strip searched to be sure it’s something you are going to enjoy.
8) No material will be transported in any vehicle that is not the property of an occupant of that vehicle. The driver of a BMW, when asked by the line attendant, “I see the Auto Parts Store just delivered a radiator to your car. Would that be your radiator?” must be able to answer convincingly “Yes, I plan on turning it into a planter.” If during a search, belongings are unearthed, such as a returning college student’s typical stuff, the identity of which cannot be ascertained or the ownership of which cannot be proven or the alleged ownership of which seems unlikely, the Senior member of the Mainland Security Force may direct the deportation of the suspect individual or individuals to Matinicus or, for lesser offenses, to North Haven or may, at the Member’s discretion, simply have the suspect or suspects executed.
[Note: Tickets must be held in the ticketholder’s mouth and will be taken ONLY from the ticketholder’s mouth. A saliva-laden ticket is the only means we have of guaranteeing a satisfactory sample of DNA.]